Teachable moments

“I’m always willing to learn, when you’ve got something to teach,” ~ Strangelove (Depeche Mode)

Have you ever wandered slightly off track and down a curious life detour?

You’re on a path but there’s something magical in depths of the forest. Intrigued you can’t help but follow the sparkles. Next thing you know you’ve entered through a portal and into an alternate reality in which each step you take produces consequences in the form of mistake lessons. There’s always a teacher, but not all that cross the path have something to teach. Each teachable moment brings revelation.

Each revelation is also the imprint of the teacher.

Ever since I got inspired to pursue work at a particular firm, I have not left the proverbial classroom. Lessons on controlling impulses, clarifying assumptions and communicating intentions, a developing PR shit show is teaching me a lot. It feels like my referrer is serving up the kind of tough love I need to integrate and internalize the actual reality—not the reality that I’ve crafted in my head.

I respect my teacher deeply but acknowledge I haven’t acted with due diligence engaging them in this job application process.

I hope more clarity and a forgiveness is on our horizon.


Pipe dream or blueprint?

The truth is that I don’t invest in my mental (and all other) health enough and this doesn’t mean I won’t. It’s only a matter of time before I’m fully invested in a wellness journey free from medication. Here is what I hope it looks like one day:

  1. Living in different places
    1. 3-6 mos in coastal/ beach towns
    2. 1-2 mos spent with my parents
    3. 5-7 mos in busy cities
  2. Daily Pilates reformer/ mat
  3. Daily weight training
  4. Weekly EMDR therapy
  5. Weekly acupuncture
  6. Weekly hiking
  7. Monthly massage
  8. Monthly spa/ nail salon
  9. Low-inflammation meals – 60/ 40 paleo/ keto
  10. Water sports – paddle board, surf, kayak/ row, swim, boat
  11. Annual off-grid ecotourism (friends)
  12. Annual cultural tourism (family)
  13. Annual off-grid creative retreat (solo)
  14. Annual volunteer effort abroad (any)

When I have integrated all the above into my life, it will feel like… well, there’s never an end to aspiration if we can’t be grateful and present for what’s already here. And it’s impossible to know how such future engagements will shape my emotions. So, who knows how I will feel. There’ll be new problems to solve and new fitness goals to pursue. The key is to stay present.

What is your dream wellness program?

A different story

It’s World Mental Health Day and I’m taking it one deep breath at a time.

I just applied for a job at a tech company that for years I held quite distant from my interests. Not that I disapproved of its contributions or it as an organization. I just lacked the confidence to place myself into such a prospect.

I did not believe that there could be a seat for me at the table.

I internalized my own inferiority so deeply and for so long that without ever any real thought or contemplation, I projected an outwardly facade that *this* environment or *that* industry was’t a good fit. That it was always about them, and not about me. I was so full of shit – literally carrying it around inside me unwilling to deal with its removal. Deep down, I had so little sense of my own value, to keep my small inner self safe, I hid my insecurities behind a variety of fringe ambitions. I could not have ever known what work in corporate settings would be like since I had never tried it.

Until about seven years ago, I moved mental health to the top of my priorities list. It is precisely what has paved my path forward and helped build up the confidence I have today but I still have a long way to go before I am fully balanced. Once I was ready to take a good look at my inner shit show, the first things that came to light were physical challenges and complex PTSD.

I never complained about body aches while as a teen or in college, under the assumption that everyone felt the same way living a computer heavy lifestyle. But, as with any mechanical issues, there had actually been much more to it. As soon as I learned how to become its ally, my body taught me about its unique connective tissue and how I’ve neglected it over the years. No wonder why I struggle with ADHD symptoms. The hundreds of internal signals per day are hard to ignore when embodiment is a priority.

My parents certainly didn’t have the luxury or privilege to tune in and attend to themselves physically insofar as preventative care but I feel compelled to break this cycle.

Same with childhood trauma – everyone has it. But not all of us have access to resources to address its impact.. Imagining my child-self standing next to my adult-self helps bring clarity to each momentary need and keeps triggers in perspective. I have an amazing therapist to thank for this tool.

These days, I care for my body with bike commutes, yoga/ pilates/ weight training, and mostly healthy foods. Long walks are my favorite as they help me center my mind and realign with the body. I also heal from cooking, writing, taking pictures and thinking about planetary aspects. When I am resting a lot and doing all these things, I feel a natural confidence pursuing full-time work with any company I align with. Forever dedicated to my self-care, and regardless of this application’s outcome, I will always be winning. Throughout this process, I have gained clarity around framing my work experience and where I want to take it next. Receiving these gifts, I could not be more grateful.

When my wellness program is well-rounded and I attend to all my needs, I am able to share my talents, skills and interests with those around me. Aligning in this way helps me contribute to any company with ease and with a constant awareness of the value I add for its mission. After all, with waking up comes great responsibility.

Happy World Mental Health Day!